Unpacking Truths
Dive deep into God's word and unpack divine truths for today's life journey. In a world where everyone is seeking, join us as we guide you to find hope and power in God's timeless wisdom. If our discussions spark questions or ideas, reach out to us at UnpackingTruths@LOCChurch.com. Don't forget to Like, Share, and Subscribe, allowing us to continue helping people unpack God's truth for their lives! Hosted by Pastor Kendall Koenig and Pastor Maureen O'Connor of Light of Christ Church in Algonquin, IL.
Unpacking Truths
Curiosity in Conflict Resolution: Biblical Insights and Practical Strategies
Can approaching disagreements with genuine curiosity transform relationships? Join Pastor Kendall and Pastor Mo on "Unpacking Truths" as we explore the nuanced world of conflict resolution among loved ones through a biblical lens. Inspired by Proverbs 18:18, we kick things off with a humorous yet poignant look at resolving disputes, emphasizing the importance of owning up to our mistakes, uplifting each other, and choosing our words wisely. Through personal stories and scriptural insights, we reveal practical steps to navigate conflicts with love, not arrogance.
In the next segment, we uncover the power of curiosity in fostering meaningful dialogue, even amid disagreements over sensitive topics like politics or personal habits. Discover how asking the right questions can open pathways to understanding rather than defensiveness. We'll also discuss the importance of recognizing when to walk away from unproductive conversations, as highlighted by the wisdom of not casting pearls before swine.
We wrap up by setting realistic expectations for growth and seeking divine guidance in conflicts. Inspired by Proverbs 26:17, we delve into the dangers of meddling in others' quarrels and reflect on God's calling in our own disputes. Practical strategies for tough conversations, from careful listening to controlling reactions, are shared alongside powerful scripture references like Psalm 141:3 and James 1:19. We conclude with a heartfelt reminder of the importance of community and continuous self-improvement, encouraging listeners to connect with us and grow in faith and love.
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Hey, today, on Unpacking Truths, we have an amazing topic that you're gonna love. It's all about conflict and disagreements, especially among those you are close with and or love. Pastor Kendall and I, we know a lot about disagreeing with one another, and so I often go to scripture, and so I would like to propose something, if you're good with it.
Speaker 2:Okay, what are you going to propose? So?
Speaker 1:we're. We're always in conflict and a little, but in a good arguing with what back it's, it's fine, right, it's part of being human. And so Proverbs 18, 18, I came across this and it said that casting lots right. So, like rolling the dice, flipping a coin, it puts an end to the arguing and it actually makes those in power quiet. So I feel like instead, you and I, you know, instead of going back and forth, we should just heads or tails and then whoever gets it is the one who is right, and then we could just go on doing you know, go about our way. Are you good with that?
Speaker 2:What are we flipping over, though? Whatever?
Speaker 1:the topic. If I want mechanical, bulls.
Speaker 2:You know here, if I want to do like an after party after church.
Speaker 1:If there are different things and ideas, I have right, like a big blow up slide, you know, fun whatever.
Speaker 2:And you just want us to not debate it, or discuss it, or discern God's leading. Just flip a coin.
Speaker 1:Proverbs is all about wisdom. So I would rather adhere to scripture right now and just flip a coin, cast lots and see what God's spirit.
Speaker 2:Can I have the coin? I've got one. I feel like I don't know, I don't know if I trust you, should Mo be on this podcast.
Speaker 1:Whoa Heads no tails yes, he might lie, he might fib what he might lie he might fib what's it say Tails?
Speaker 2:Oh, I don't even know which way that went.
Speaker 1:See, that's God, it's God's divine province, okay you're on the podcast, let's go, mo.
Speaker 2:All right, I'm Pastor Kendall and I'm Pastor Mo. Welcome to Unpacking Truths, where we dive deep into God's timeless truths for our lives today.
Speaker 1:Grab your coffee. Open your hearts and your minds.
Speaker 2:Come take this journey with us as we unpack God's truths when we're talking about having disagreements with one another the listener and thank you for submitting that and please continue to submit topics. We love engaging the questions that you're putting out there, and this topic was around people saying or this listener saying I'm having some disagreements with people I'm close to and how do I manage that? What do I do with that? And so we come at it from a number of different ways, but one of the places I wanted to start is just remind us this framework that I think comes from scripture, that we've been lifting up here at Light of Christ for 20 years, not always living into it, but lifting it up and trying to live into it. That scripture really guides us with five principles, the ABCDs of Christian community. First admit when you're wrong. A. B build each other up. C careful with your words.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:D, deal with hurts and forgive one another. F Right. And for me, whenever I'm in disagreement with someone, I always come back to these and go like, okay, kendall, are you living this out Right? Are you living? I wish everyone else would, but I can't control everyone else. But I got to deal first with myself, and so am I admitting when I'm wrong. Or is this disagreement because I'm not willing to step back and look at, maybe, where I'm wrong?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and scripture. I mean that's where scripture goes right. So this is all. This is scripture based and so admitting you know we're wrong. I think part of that and scripture shows it is the first process is often checking ourselves right. You got to check yourself before you rickety, rickety, wreck yourself right. So, like you got to listen to King David when he asked you know God, to search my heart, show anything within me that is offensive, and so that we can get an idea of like, where am I coming out of? We have to examine ourselves. We see that in 2 Corinthians, 13, 5, 2.
Speaker 2:That's what we're called to do so many places. I mean I also think of 1 John 1, where if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves.
Speaker 1:There's very likely that there's stuff inside of me that's contributed to this disagreement with whoever it is that I'm having, but isn't it so easy to see the wrong in other people? Why?
Speaker 2:is that, mo? It is so much easier to see it in others, but it's in in both of us. Yeah, the other thing, then, as I was thinking about this topic, is, if I do have disagreement with someone else that I'm close to within my family, within my friend group, I start asking myself some questions like is it worth engaging this? How do I engage this? So I sort of have a series of questions that I sort of ask, and one is am I feeling compelled to engage this with this person? Like, am I feeling led to it? And that's just one to sort of look at those motivations inside.
Speaker 2:Am I feeling I need to engage this disagreement because this other person's words or actions are hurting me? Or because this other person's words or actions are hurting other people, or because their thinking is, I'm afraid is going astray and they could end up hurting themselves. That those would all be good reasons that maybe I need to enter into a place of disagreement with this person. On the other hand, if my motivation is, I can't believe this person is so stupid for thinking this and I need to set them right that probably isn't coming out of love, that's coming out of my own arrogance. So I may disagree with someone, but if that disagreement's just out of my own arrogance, maybe I should just shut up and deal with God, with myself, right.
Speaker 1:And that's where the process of going back into the searching yourself and going to God and saying, revealing me anything that may not be aligned with you, right, because we don't even know our motivations, if we are living out of 95% of our thoughts that are unconscious, we're often just living out of these things that we aren't even aware of. So we have to go within and check that out. But you know, I'm pretty interested in what you just said here. You said deciding if you should even engage or not. So what are, what are your lines of like? Okay, I would engage here and I wouldn't there, because I'm kind of more of a proponent of you.
Speaker 1:Have to engage, like if it is bothersome, if it it, if it hit you, pinched you in any way. I think it is a, a cop-out. I think it's a lie to ourselves to be like, oh, I'm going to let it go, cause often we don't, we, we shove it down, we say we're going to forget it, we say it's not a big deal, but it is because it once again goes. You know, it's in our thoughts, it's in our minds. It begins to create a story of what we think about the person, then we begin treating them differently, or it becomes our cop out to just not deal with conflict, because we hate conflict.
Speaker 2:Yep, now, mo, I think that really gets to the heart of some of this conversation. I'm glad you raised that, because you can sort of err on one side or the other where you just engage everything, whether you should or not, or you avoid it all because I don't like any of that conflict. So I think some of it is, and that goes to that in the ABCDs, dealing with your hurts, there are some hurts that sometimes someone slights me. You know, they open the door for someone else and they didn't open it for me and I can go like well, I guess they didn't see me and I can let it go and I'm going on with my life and and and it's gone.
Speaker 1:You, know you let it roll off your back. You don't like say curses upon you and your family.
Speaker 2:No, I usually don't speak, curses upon people for that. On the other hand, as some of my one of my friends says, you know there can also be things where it's hurt, they go. I'm not going to deal with it and I just throw it in the bucket.
Speaker 1:Wait, is it wrong to do like use sarcasm, cause I'm like I'll use sarcasm in situations like that, where I'm like, well, apparently chivalry is dead here, as the door just slammed in my face so that I mean, is that wrong?
Speaker 2:Well, I heard someone say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, but I but you can use what you choose, but I do think, mo, there are times where we say, oh, I'm not going to deal with it, but we throw it in our basket of hurts, and that basket gets bigger and bigger and bigger, and we're not dealing with it and we're not engaging, and we're holding on to those hurts rather than dealing with them with the person. And if we can't literally let them go, then you're right, we do need to engage them with someone else, and Scripture gives us some good guidance there on how to do that. I do think, though, there are times and you may be more conflict-aided, um assertive, and I may be a little more conflict avoidant, just personality wise, so we come at it a little different. I do throw it through another filter question for myself, though, and to say is this person open to having a conversation about this disagreement?
Speaker 2:And there are just a number of places where, um, uh, I went to proverbs on this, yeah, and this may be a little harsh, but I think there's some good things here, whereas if someone has hurt me and they're doing something in a way that I don't think they're going to listen to. Well, here's just Proverbs 17, 16. It is senseless to pay to educate a fool since he has no heart for learning. Or a single rebuke does more for a person of understanding than a hundred lashes on the back of a fool. That there's sometimes, when I just recognize someone is so caught in their viewpoint, caught in how they're doing things.
Speaker 1:For me it's banging your head against a brick wall to engage that Right, and it's you know and I, and it's because different things in psychology kind of says, like how we um attach our uh identity with these thoughts, right, so if my identity is attached to this belief system or these thoughts about something specifically, then when you attack that belief system it's, it's unconsciously like an attack on me personally.
Speaker 1:And so I feel like I need to go to battle Like it. This is life or death, even though it's just a topic about you know disagreeing on. You know something, whether it's politics or whether it's you know something within, you know the family or or whatever it's. It's pretty interesting, but yeah, we, we often don't step away from the issue or the topic. It's pretty interesting, but, yeah, we often don't step away from the issue or the topic. It feels like it's a personal attack.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, and I think that then also goes to how you have those disagreeing conversations, if you can frame it up in a way so it's not attacking the action but saying, hey, I have a question about this. I mean, I think there are ways you can approach disagreements that have a greater likelihood of success or putting the person on the defensive.
Speaker 1:I like that you say that. I like that you speak into it, because I have found, when I approach people with curiosity genuine curiosity like oh wow, that's really interesting. Can you explain more into why you feel that way, or why you think that or how you came about seeing that play itself out in this specific way, because we may have seen something and viewed it quite differently, and so I like that. Approaching it with curiosity is a great way to approach someone, and this is one of these places, mo, as we were talking, about.
Speaker 2:And you know, and this is one of these places, Mo, as we were talking about engaging this topic or as I was reflecting on it, I wasn't really sure exactly when the listener said you know, I have disagreements with people that I'm close to. I didn't know if it was disagreements about politics and how to engage that, or it was disagreements that they do things differently than I, or disagreements because they're doing something that actually hurts me. Those are all sort of different categories. So I don't, listener, I don't know if we're engaging this perfectly. And so when you do submit topics and you're wanting, feel free to be specific in yours so that we can try and engage them as clearly and as well as possible.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I mean, I think it could hit on anything right Like what you're saying, though approaching with curiosity whatever Curiosity is always good, mo, that is such a great one and I I've been hearing more and more people lift that up, and I love that idea.
Speaker 2:When you come at things with honest questions, no, you can't come at it with loaded questions Like you know, why in the heck did you do it that way? Right, I mean there's kind of a loadedness.
Speaker 1:What were you thinking?
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, that is not curiosity, that is accusation framed in a question. And that doesn't work any better than a direct attack.
Speaker 1:So speak a little more into when would you say no, this I mean I hate to say this person's a fool. I'm not even going to engage. Like, what are the determining factors to be like? Ah, I mean, I hate to say this person's a fool. I'm not even going to engage. Like, what are the determining factors to be like? Ah, check. So what can we look for to be like not worth it?
Speaker 2:Well, to me, have your interactions with this person previously been such that you've been able to actually have a dialogue with them, that if you've tried that three or four times and it always gets shut down, and the other person just said, oh, forget it, oh, you're just wrong At some point to keep engaging that, okay, past experience.
Speaker 2:Past experience, I think. The other is sometimes how you've observe this person is engaged with other people. So maybe you haven't had that with you, but you've seen them engage whenever they've had a disagreement with anyone else and they just seem to shut it down. They just get angry, real quickly and you're just like—. You're very reactive and not reflective. Those are also places where I'm going. Well, do I really want to take that on. Do I want to jump in that shark tank?
Speaker 2:Yeah exactly so I think those it's sort of patterns of behavior either that I've experienced or that. I've observed that might lead me to be hesitant.
Speaker 1:I think that's wise, I think that you know it reminds me of Jesus don't throw your pearls to pigs or they will trample over them and come and attack you, right, like, don't try to have this deeper, reflective conversation. If the person is just going to, you know, trample all over what you say, not hear it, and come and then come back aggressively and reactive.
Speaker 2:So I think those are sort of the questions that I ask or what I try to observe. I think the again. I spent some time in Proverbs on this and I was struck by this verse in Proverbs 26, 17. Interfering in someone else's argument is as foolish as yanking a dog's ear.
Speaker 1:You know, like sometimes- Because you might get bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, might get bit.
Speaker 1:I like that. I like that.
Speaker 2:You know if the disagreement isn't just between you and me. But I see you disagreeing with someone else and I try to jump in. I may just get you know like.
Speaker 1:So I think there again it should parents quote that with their kids and be like listen, I don't want to get bit. It's like pulling a dog's ear. You two go at it. Let me know how it turns out. You know what? Yeah, to all those listening. Why don't you try that at home and then comment let us know how it goes? It's wisdom from scripture, but I'm really curious to see how it plays itself out.
Speaker 2:The, you know, going from playful to serious. The other question that I've, though, started to ask myself. Started, it sounds really bad.
Speaker 1:Just recently.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just recently, no, but recently feeling very much called back to around this question of disagreement. Is God calling me to engage this? Is God calling me to engage this? That sometimes, even if I don't think the outlook is very good or I've seen patterns of behavior, god might still call me to engage in this conversation, even if I'm not so hopeful that it's going to come out well or that it's going to go smoothly or that anything's going to change. But maybe God is calling me to it. So I have really been recently coming back to change, but maybe God is calling me to it. So I have really been recently coming back to saying okay, god, what do you want me to do in this conflict situation? Am I supposed to speak, am I not? What should I speak? And asking that question and being still and trying to listen for God's prompting, for the Holy Spirit's prompting within me, because sometimes I can get very rational.
Speaker 2:Oh is this going to likely to way. Oh, I need to do it this way. But sometimes it comes back. What is God calling me?
Speaker 1:to. I love that and you know I've often had to have conversations that I didn't want to, and especially when I have seen, like you, there's this repetitive pattern of like not being open, not being willing to listen, and so, even if I feel called, the first thing I do is I absolutely begin in prayer. Right before I open my mouth I go to Psalm 141.3. Set a guard over my mouth, lord. I repeat that often. Set a guard over my mouth right that. Often. Set a guard over my mouth, right, like or James 1.19,.
Speaker 1:Be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to get angry. Just channeling in on that, because so often when things sting, we can be reactive with our mouths and how powerful our words are and they cut like a double-edged sword. We don't realize until we've already said it and we can all go back and remember something said to us in our youth or something said to us at some point in time by someone we cared about, and we still carry those words with us and often live out of them, even though we don't want to right this. Know I'm not smart enough or I'm not, you know, whatever it is. And so just being really careful with my words and I'll pray even while the person's talking.
Speaker 2:Are you supposed to be listening to them, though?
Speaker 1:You know what, sometimes it's better for their well-being if I actually pray. So I'm like I feel something rising up in me. You said maybe I'm a little more assertive when it comes to conflict. The good Lord has tamed me a lot because the fact that I'm still in my seat is a gift from God and a blessing and an example of transformation, and new life.
Speaker 2:The Holy Spirit can work.
Speaker 1:Pastor Mo is an example, a girl could jump across the table just if I need to. A girl could jump across the table just if I need to.
Speaker 2:You know, Mo, we've had some conversation among ourselves and with the staff here at Light of Christ about how to have difficult conversations.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And because it is necessary and at times you need to know how to do that. The things that I was really struck by is we did some research on that that they lift that a couple of resources lifted up is, you know, obviously starting with prayer, but a secondary step of it is having a goal for that difficult conversation Expectations, absolutely, you know is my goal to have perfect reconciliation, and so this person sees my point and totally agrees with me.
Speaker 2:Well, that may be the wrong goal. Maybe the right goal is simply to go into a difficult conversation and say my goal out of this is that this person actually listens to me, what I have to say, whether they agree with it, disagree with it or whatever.
Speaker 1:I don't even think that's like. If my expectation is for you to listen to me, I mean that's a big expectation.
Speaker 2:Okay, you're right, maybe that's too big a one.
Speaker 1:Because the probability, because number one, I can't control you, right, I can't make you listen. Because of number one, I can't control you, right, I can't make you listen. I think of it like this, especially when it comes to my kids or anyone I love, or if there's a bigger vision, even at the workplace. If there's a bigger vision, I'm like, okay, what are my expectations? My goal is peace among us, or my goal is to get this project done, or my goal is to be able to be in a good relationship with you, right? And if that's my goal, then I'm willing to compromise being right or not, especially when I'm thinking about my kids.
Speaker 1:I just went and took the dog to the vet for my daughter it's her dog and spent all this money for necessities and she's like was this heartworm stuff really needed? Was this rabies thing really? They didn't need dog tags. I'm like, well, according to Kane County, they do. So you know you can bring it up with the county. But and so there's all this stuff and I'm sitting here like thinking I'm arguing with a fool, right, like what am I doing here? And and yet I'm like I had to go wait. What is my bigger goal? It's peace with her. It's a good relationship and so I'm like you know, why don't you research these costs? And they are what they are and we can talk about it later. But like not personalizing things, because really I do want a good relationship and peace and you know people are in different stages of growth right and.
Speaker 1:I think that's important to remember.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So having that goal is important and setting it right-sized goal for a conversation, and maybe the goal is just to be able to, yeah, open a dialogue with nothing more than that, absolutely.
Speaker 1:And I do feel like we need to bring up that like the biggest part about resolving conflict is we need to begin with the foundation of love. Right, we're called we're literally resolving conflict is to love one another as Christ love us. That's John 13, 34, like all over scripture is. Are we treating people with the same kind of sacrificial, other focused care and love that Jesus showed us? And if not, how can we accept that continuously from Christ and then not offer it to others and call ourselves followers of Jesus? And I convict myself with that all the time, and that's what gets me back on doing the right thing, because I'm like I can't. In good conscience I can't, and so, yeah, I just think that's what we're called to be doing.
Speaker 2:You know and I just love how Paul framed it in Ephesians 4, where he said speak the truth in love.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That sometimes we just want to blast people with our truth and the truth is we may not see the full truth, we may only see our part of the truth. But even that, speaking that in love to the other person and so that they can see our love for them. So sometimes you start by affirming what you can affirm in the relationship, you start by affirming with their actions, whatever you can affirm and then say and I'm also struggling with this but speaking the truth in love, I think so crucial.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a pastor once told me that was really priceless. If you speak the truth to another person without love and without grace, it's just cruel, and that really resonated with me, and so I'd love to hear what you guys have to say about this?
Speaker 1:How have you dealt with conflict among people you love or in the workplace that you're just trying to work with and create a space of peace? This is the type of stuff we need to be sharing as we're unpacking the truth of how God is calling us to live in this way and be peacemakers wherever we're at. And so, oh, go ahead.
Speaker 2:No, love it. And thanks for tuning in today. All you peacemakers out there and all you people called to be peacemakers.
Speaker 1:Amen Take care.
Speaker 2:Next time on Unpacking Truths.
Speaker 1:Pastor Kendall and I are going to do our best, by the grace of God, with the Holy Spirit, to unpack the truth of a topic that we all love politics and religion.
Speaker 2:Was this your brilliant idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what I'm a glutton for punishment. What can I say?
Speaker 2:The well. I think it is an important topic, absolutely.
Speaker 1:And a topic that often, as Christians in the church, we avoid.
Speaker 2:Well or do really poorly at oh yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, so we're going to try and do a little better than poorly here today?
Speaker 1:Yeah, just a smidge, but we'll see. You'll be the judges of that Low expectations so that we, you know, hopefully hit our goal. Thanks for joining us on this episode of Unpacking Truths. If anything that we discussed sparked any ideas or you have any questions, we would love for you to go to unpackingtruthscom, or you can also email us at unpackingtruths at locchurchcom.
Speaker 2:And don't forget to like, share or subscribe to the podcast, because you doing that allows other people to connect to this content and grow with God as well.
Speaker 1:Until next time, we hope you know that you are loved.
