Unpacking Truths
Dive deep into God's word and unpack divine truths for today's life journey. In a world where everyone is seeking, join us as we guide you to find hope and power in God's timeless wisdom. If our discussions spark questions or ideas, reach out to us at UnpackingTruths@LOCChurch.com. Don't forget to Like, Share, and Subscribe, allowing us to continue helping people unpack God's truth for their lives! Hosted by Pastor Kendall Koenig and Pastor Maureen O'Connor of Light of Christ Church in Algonquin, IL.
Unpacking Truths
Beauty Standards Are Toxic
Ever wonder how a simple childhood toy can shape your entire perception of beauty? On this episode of Unpacking Truths, we bring you the incredible Joy Mitchell, who candidly shares her journey from playing with Barbies to grappling with societal beauty norms. Joy dives into her experiences growing up with strong influences from her older sister and the Black community, helping us understand the profound impact of familial and societal definitions of beauty. We'll question how these standards match up to the often unrealistic images presented by media and toys, and consider where God's perspective fits into all of this.
We'll take you on a cultural exploration of beauty standards that vary dramatically from one society to another. Hear about the paradoxes that arise from skin-lightening practices in India versus the Western obsession with tanning. Get ready to question who really gets to set these standards as we discuss the pervasive pressure on body image that women face globally. Through personal stories of feeling self-conscious and the long road toward self-acceptance, this episode aims to inspire you to challenge societal norms and celebrate your unique features.
Our conversation wraps up with an empowering discussion on embracing natural hair and body positivity within the Black community. Joy reflects on her transition from relaxed to natural hair, influenced by cultural shifts toward celebrating natural curls and afros. We also delve into the critical task of raising daughters who love their natural appearance despite societal pressures.
By the end, you'll gain insights into how viewing oneself as "fearfully and wonderfully made" can influence self-worth, and the necessity of fostering a healthy self-image in our children amidst modern technology. Tune in for a spiritually enriching and profoundly human conversation on beauty standards, self-image, and growth.
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I'm Pastor Kendall and I'm Pastor Mo. Welcome to Unpacking Truths, where we dive deep into God's timeless truths for our lives today.
Speaker 2:Grab your coffee, open your hearts and your minds. Come take this journey with us as we unpack God's truths. Hey, it's Pastor Mo and I have invited a dear friend of mine, Joy Mitchell, with us today. She is an incredible woman of God. I know her through different ministry, types of events and stuff like that. Why don't you just tell us a little bit about yourself? Let us know some of the good stuff and why I've gleaned onto you because you're such a great person.
Speaker 3:Hello everyone, my name is Joy Mitchell, so let's see yeah, I know Pastor Mo from ministry. I currently attend a church where we think we were on a panel together. That's when I first met you, so it's been like it was before COVID, so it's been a while.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And yes, I do some ministry work, a lot of things similar to this, conversations and just kind of that discipleship in the unconventional way. I work in higher ed. I've been in higher ed for almost 10 years. I would say now, yeah, I have to think about the time, yes, and loving every moment of it right. Oh absolutely yes, but I work as an administrator at a university. What else I do? Photography on the side, that is my small business. Joymentchelfotographycom.
Speaker 3:Little shout out what else. I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a daughter. I'm originally from the south side of Chicago. I'm the youngest of five siblings, so you're the baby, like me, I'm the baby.
Speaker 2:We're getting in trouble left and right. Yeah, kinda kinda.
Speaker 3:I mean, everybody kinda take care of me. So that was nice. What? Yeah, people don't realize I'm the baby, though, but yeah, so I'm excited to have you join us.
Speaker 2:Today. We're gonna talk about a big topic beauty standards as toxic, and so, whether we're men or women but I think especially obviously we're coming out of the context of being women just how beauty standards have impacted us, have affected us in all aspects of our life and where God really fits in this, and so I'd love for you. Why don't we begin out? Why don't you share one of your earliest memories of when you became aware of beauty, whether in your family, in society? Like when did beauty all of a sudden yeah, just come into, become important or something you needed to focus on?
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm, I think for me. I'm not quite sure about an age, but I'm thinking about stuff I play with, so like Barbies you know, starting with Barbies.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think especially now, compared to then, it's very different. Like I tell my daughter all the time, there's such an array of Barbie now, like different races and sizes and shapes and hair. Um, we had the standard Barbie who presented as white. So those were all my Barbies, or it was the one black girl Barbie, it was just those two pretty much Did you have majority white Barbies, but they looked exactly alike.
Speaker 3:You're like except for the color of skin. Yeah, they looked exactly alike. I think I had a mixture pretty much with my Barbies. I think I had a mixture pretty much with my Barbies. But then, aside from that, I think I looked a lot to my sister, my older sister, my youngest older sister. Like I would just watch what she would do because I was with her a lot. So whether she was doing her hair or makeup, I kind of followed after her. So she was kind of my standard of what that would look like.
Speaker 3:Okay, and so like she taught me how to do my hair. She taught me a lot of stuff because growing up in a single-family home, my sister would watch me a lot, so she always refers to me as like her sister baby or her first baby. Okay, so like she taught me how to do my hair when I had relaxed hair. I learned all of those things from her. And then just the women that were around me and I think at the time they had Jerry curls, oh, okay. Oh yeah, black people got Jerry curls on the hair. It was like a version of relaxing your curls but it was wet.
Speaker 2:Right, it's like a greasy formula. Yeah yeah, it was wet.
Speaker 3:Gets all over everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:And so I think that's probably like my beginning of what it looked like. But then Is that what beauty looked like? Like jerry curls? It was hair. I think a lot, especially in black culture, our hair is like very important. Yeah, so hair was definitely something and I think just culturally, our bodies like it, like it's the big hips and booty that is the thing like being more voluptuous.
Speaker 2:Now did you have a big hipped bootied Barbie.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 2:Because I haven't seen one of those. They have them now, though. Right, I'm like where was my big butt, barbie, when I was a kid?
Speaker 3:Nope, I mean Nope, not then. But yeah, barbies all shapes and sizes, and yeah.
Speaker 2:So, even though you had these Barbies that were very skinny right? Yes, Because like Barbie if she was real, I think like the dimensions were like a 24-inch waist and even like 14 to 17-year-old girls average a 32-inch waist. So I mean it's impossible.
Speaker 3:standards so I mean it's impossible standards.
Speaker 2:But do you feel like maybe your culture or your family took on like the Barbie, like, oh, this is because you still said you know bigger hips, bigger butt. But I could say as a white woman it was skinny, like the skinny or the bad, like big butts were not in you would consider overweight, like it's so different, or the jokes would just come flying in. But okay, so it's so different, or?
Speaker 1:the jokes would just come flying in.
Speaker 2:But okay, so that's so that the Barbie and the dolls didn't have any impact on.
Speaker 3:Not, really, not really how about skin tone. Wise Did it matter For me I would say no, and I think in part it's because I think for me, with where I land, I guess on the spectrum of color, I didn't really deal with a lot of issues with that. But I had friends, women, young or girls, who would deal with that like if they were darker skinned and that's still a thing. Colorism OK, especially within. I mean, we already deal with it from the outside, but within our community it's a thing.
Speaker 2:Explain it a little bit.
Speaker 3:So like colorism on the spectrum of like if you're darker, you're not as pretty or you're real black, you know stuff like that. And so for me, knowing that there is a stigma for some black people like I feel like now you know that it's changed a little bit, but there is still this stigma of being darker I never experienced that If you were more fair or lighter or somewhere in my range of skin tone, you didn't get those types of jokes. But for the girls that were darker skinned, they would get those jokes and they would feel like you know, they would want to be lighter.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I think even around the world you'll see that where there's this push to be lighter or even to have more of a European look like that, we would experience that in different ways. And so for me, like even with my daughter, when it comes to like her Barbies, I get her all of the different types of colors and hair and all the things, because I I know that that can feed a your subconscious and you don't realize it. And I think for me, growing up and kind of, I guess, being a millennial, with how we want to question everything and you know why do we do that, you know things like that I think I try to be very intentional about what I give her, my daughter.
Speaker 2:I love that and I do find that, like, colonization is a thing right and so, like when I was in India or, but ironically, when I was in West Africa, white skin is kind of scary and it's not looked at as necessarily beautiful. But I think it was because of the area I was in Guinea that it was so unfamiliar that I think it freaked out some of the people Like what is happening here. But I will say that in India what was a huge thing was skin lightening cream. I know for my daughters who are part Mexican. My oldest daughter asked for skin lightening cream when she was a teenager. She wanted lighter skin. She didn't like how dark she would get.
Speaker 2:And then the irony in that is that as a white woman, our big thing was going oh, you got to look sun-kissed, you got to look tan, you got to get darker, and so it's this weird here are all your fake lotions to make you tan and brown, and so it's like there's this you know this ideal, and yet when and this is where I think marketing kind of comes in the ideal of lighter, whiter skin, but then unless you are lighter and whiter, then you need darker skin, and so I'm almost like you know what is happening here, and who are we allowing to dictate what is beautiful or not.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it doesn't make sense. It's like we're trying to do the opposite. Yeah, and I think for me, and I still struggle, but I try to be mindful of just how I present myself and why, like, why am I concerned about that thing, like whether it be my size or my hair? I will try to be intentional about questioning why because a lot of times it's the societal, you know, pressures, especially for women Like you got to be this small, like even with this outfit. I got complimented several times and when I got ready this morning I was like my stomach, my back, and I'm just like I'm going to wear it anyway, I'm going to just wear it. But I was very self-conscious because I'm just like you know, I'm not the size I was before children and again, I'm looking at all of the imperfections and I'm like I'm going to wear this outfit.
Speaker 2:But where do you think that, where do you think that is coming out of?
Speaker 3:I mean, I think it goes back to a society of you have to look like this or this is considered pretty, or focusing so much on our imperfections as a problem and not as something that makes us unique or different, Right a problem and not as something that makes us unique or different, Right, or just you know, constantly there is still the. Even though we are becoming more progressive in some ways in society with what beauty is and not that it's just one thing, I still think you know that view of bigger or if you look bigger or fat, any of those things, it still kind of plagues us a little bit as women.
Speaker 2:Right. And then it becomes like who gets to determine what bigger is? Or, you know, considered fat is like? Who decides that? And culturally, and? And who are we allowing Right that and culturally? And who are we allowing right? Because even at the size I am right now, technically I'm morbidly obese, because I'm heavy, my bones are heavy, the armor of God is heavy, me too, and I'm short, Ladies and gentlemen, but I have some big, thick bones. I don't know. I'm dense and I have rods in my back so that adds to the weight way, I don't know. So I'm just heavy. But so when they, when they look at my weight, they're like, oh, technically, on that scale, I'm like, come on now, like this is. So I even think like, who gets to determine this stuff? And so like I'm kind of curious to what beauty, how have beauty standards influenced you and your self-image and your self-esteem, like growing up and even into now.
Speaker 3:I mean, I think it's evolved. I feel like for me, like so, if I start with hair, yeah. When I came to college, like before college, I had relaxed hair. I had a short like pixie cut.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I mean I like to change my hair up anyway.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 3:I like to change my hair up anyway. Yeah, but I think there was like this move in the culture and when I say the culture like black culture, of we're going to stop relaxing our hair and embrace our afro and our curly, our natural curls that actually grow out of our head, yeah, and I was. It was something I always wanted to try and I said when I go to college, I'm just, I'm just see, yeah, and I think I just end up cutting my hair off. I just cut it off.
Speaker 3:You didn't like the way it looked, I liked it. I think it was a big step to do that, because I had had relaxers since I was a little girl, so I was used to the chemical burns and you know, just got to let it sit until it gets bone straight.
Speaker 2:And just okay, like almost in tears. Well, and that you say that, like still to this day, straight hair is considered the most beautiful or the most desired. A long hair, yeah.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, when I remember because I'm an ex-cop as well I remember you know I'm the shorty already I used to get teased Like if you ever saw, like police academy yeah, always being called hooks from police academy um, and I remember I relaxed my hair and I remember there was a guy he was a lawyer, he's actually a judge now. He was like I came to work with my hair straight and then I think a couple days later later, I mean it curls up. So I came in and he was like now why did you go and do that? Your hair was so pretty and it was so nice looking and in my mind I was just like this is not a compliment.
Speaker 3:And I think for me, as I've gotten older, I think I want to rebel against that more, and I think I want to rebel against that more. So, like even now, with my daughter being in predominantly white schools and stuff like that, there is a standard that she sees like of what's pretty. Or even if there's biracial girls, they'll have their hair straight all the time. It's like no, don't keep, don't have it curly. And so for my daughter, I try to be intentional about her wearing her hair in different ways, loving her afro. When she wears it and she does she's confident in it, or if she wants to braid it, or if she does want to straighten it, just not feeling like that's the only you know standard.
Speaker 2:Like she has to to be beautiful. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 3:So I try to be intentional with that. So again, the hair is important, yeah, again the hair is important, yeah. But then when it comes to like even my body, I remember being self-conscious about having bigger legs, like thick legs, and I don't know why, because I like my legs.
Speaker 2:But at one point I was just like oh, they're so big Because you don't want to walk on little sticks?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't. Nobody wants chicken legs, not for me.
Speaker 2:I mean people work hard in the gym for some thick legs. They do, they do. People would die for your legs. Yeah, some gentlemen with large tops wish they had your legs.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I'm like trying, I think, for me, just trying to look and see myself as God sees me no-transcript. And there was a lot of scripture. Like you know, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That scripture always comes up for me, like Psalms 139, 14. And I went and kind of researched and I know sometimes words mean something different then.
Speaker 3:And so, like fearfully and wonderfully made, when I looked at that, um, talking about being made like with, with reverence, yes, With intentionality, yes, and so I'm like as a believer, if, if that is who God says I am, then I need to frame my mind, even in the world, even in the, you know the carnality of what we live in, living in this body. You know I have to reframe how I view things.
Speaker 2:So, even when it comes to like the standard, of beauty, because are we saying what you made, god isn't good, right, which is kind of what we're saying?
Speaker 3:Yes, and so, like, when I look at it like that, it helps me to, you know, work on it. So, even when it comes to weight like for me, if I am focused on weight there for one, there's something I could do about that. I can take care of my body. And so, instead of like because I would say probably the other day I was like it was something that I wanted to wear, I think I had an outfit that I found and I couldn't fit it, but I had that outfit before I had my third child.
Speaker 2:I mean give yourself some grace, Exactly.
Speaker 3:And I often don't. And so Chris was like, are you OK? And he was like you know I need to, you know I need to work out too, and I'm just like sitting there, like not how you need to work out too. You know he was trying to you know, pump me up. But I'm like you know, if I want to do that, then there are things that I could do to do that, but it doesn't mean that I'm less than Right.
Speaker 2:And why do I want to? I mean, it's always good to want to get healthier, but the why Is it? Because I don't think I'm beautiful now. Is it because I don't think I'm attractive now and I can't help but think of? And you have a young daughter. I have daughters that are a little bit older, that are older, but they're still young, when AI and filters and all that is becoming such a natural part of what they do online and little kids are being handed iPads and phones and those filters actually do something to us, where we look at ourselves and the filter goes on and we're like, oh my goodness, this is so beautiful because it's abnormal perfection.
Speaker 2:And then, when the filter goes off, you become depressed and they're finding that and what we're subjecting our children to when their brains are developing is that, hey, the way you are naturally is not good enough.
Speaker 2:And then we got people like the Kardashians up in there and I mean they're famous for nothing, but I mean they've had lots of. I mean they're really famous for nothing, they've even been. But I think what bothers me the most about them and I'm all about women do what you do, get your you know. But is the saying, oh, this is real, and no, I didn't get, you know, a breast job. And no, I didn't get a nose job. And no, I didn't get light bone, no, I didn't get all these things, when the truth is, it's okay that you did own that you did so that young women don't think that that's a like that. That is something that just if you buy this cream because they've been sued for millions, because they're trying to sell all this stuff diet pills, creams when the truth is known, they had lipo and they had a BBL and they had a boob job and they had a chin tuck or whatever.
Speaker 2:I mean like keep it real right, Like you too can have this face if you get it reconstructed, you know. But I love that you're speaking into scripture that you used to— Put things back into God's truth. Right that we are saying something. I'm all about beauty stuff, I love trying new things and doing new things, but we are saying something when we're not happy in our skin right, yeah.
Speaker 2:And have you found? Since your daughter is younger, I don't know how much social media you expose her to or allow her to see online Are you dealing with any of this? A?
Speaker 3:little bit. So we moved a little over a year ago, and so a lot of the girls are wearing yoga pants all day and you know they wear a certain outfit. And so what I found is she finally told me she sneaks and goes in the bathroom and changes her clothes To yoga pants.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, they are really comfy, I don't know.
Speaker 3:I'm like what? But then it became well, I like my thighs. And then it became like you know, this is how my friends are doing it and I'm like well, why are you doing that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3:And so we try to talk through that and I try to lightly, I try not to be irritated. I mean, I mean, to be honest, it is very irritating. But even with social media, right now I don't, I don't have allow her to have like Snapchat or anything like that. I don't feel like she's mentally prepared for some of the things that come with that and the exposure. I don't think she's mature enough yet. Um, she's definitely axed, but um, even in that, like, if she watches YouTube, the shorts are on there so she'll see that stuff, and um, but I think right now she still is. She's not like set on, like wanting, like you know, the lace, front, wigs and all of that and that's a lot of the girls now Like it's the wigs, it's the excessive makeup sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And just having a look all the time All the time Like always being on, so she's not there.
Speaker 2:And that's a real thing. They're talking about how we're skipping that gawky stage where you have braces.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's a real thing. They're talking about how we're skipping that gawky stage where you have braces and acne and you're a little. You know you get the little pudgy.
Speaker 2:You know all the yeah like going right to glamour Because of social media and everything they see.
Speaker 2:They see perfection, they see contoured faces, they see filters, they see hair with the, you know, lace fronts. Wigs I mean all of it is so perfect. Yes, which wigs? I mean all of it is so perfect, yes, which, by the way, I wish I really looked good in a wig because the girl tried, I tried to do, I tried, I went to the best wig places. My girlfriend, other friends went with me to help me because I was like not do my hair all day.
Speaker 3:Yes, the girls I see they. They're losing hair because it's ripping everything out with all the glue. Well, we've rips hair out, it does. Yeah, I don't know you do too much my extensions. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:And then, yeah, but if we find our worth and our beauty in these things. And so what would you recommend as strong women who know who we are and our beauty in Christ? What do you recommend for the women coming up, or men, young men too, Like? What do you recommend for them in understanding what it means to be beautiful?
Speaker 3:I think you have to and it comes with time. You have to develop your own standard of who you are and it has to be unapologetic. And I think for me, a little bit, every day I'm becoming more and more unapologetic, because it will still come up. You'll still compare. You know, as humans we do that. I think it's just within our nature to compare and to look at what we don't have.
Speaker 3:But I think for me, I've come to a place where I'm like, if there's something that I'm not satisfied with because I'm just wholeheartedly not satisfied with it, whether it be my weight or my hair, I could do something to change that, if that's what I want to do, and then also understanding that you know there's only one joy, so I'm unique, because that alone God created me. You know specifically to be who I am God's masterpiece, yes, and so if I look at myself like that, that helps me. But again, I understand also with that. That comes with time, that comes with maturity, that comes with not giving a care. You know, at a certain point, I love that.
Speaker 2:Be unapologetically you and who God created you to be. We would love to hear what you have to say about beauty standards. If your family culture whatever it is you feel has influenced you and what you thought was beautiful and how, how have you dealt with that. How has God helped you with that Work through that move through that. We'd love to hear about your journey Um unpacking truthscom. Leave any comments or um anything, any practices that you think will be helpful for others, because this is a topic we need to be talking about. Thanks for tuning in.
Speaker 1:Next time on Unpacking Truths disciplines of worship, of devotional time, of reading scripture, of prayer, of meditation, but also other sorts of disciplines that help us that when we practice them as habits and habits sound like bad things, but practical disciplines we're opening ourselves up to looking for God.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We're opening ourselves to hearing and sensing God, rather than just running through our day and just missing the moments where God shows up.
Speaker 2:Thanks for joining us on this episode of Unpacking Truths. If anything that we discussed sparked any ideas or you have any questions, we would love for you to go to unpackingtruthscom, or you can also email us at unpackingtruths at locchurchcom.
Speaker 1:And don't forget to like, share or subscribe to the podcast, because you doing that allows other people to connect to this content and grow with God as well.
Speaker 2:Until next time, we hope you know that you are loved.
